Let It Go

I mentioned to my staff that this next blog post was entitled, "Let It Go" and of course, someone broke into song and although I have heard the song, I must confess that I have not seen the whole movie. This topic came up because someone recently told me that "You have to let it go. It's in the past" and sometimes I find those words to be quite garrulous.

Often we find it hard to let go of things for any of a number of reasons: 

• It would mean forgiving the person who has wronged us (or wronged our friend)
• It would mean it truly is in the past yet it doesn't feel like it is because it happened again recently.
• We keep seeing reminders of the painful incident/s.
• We want the person who wronged us to experience the hurt we suffered because of their actions
• One or two of the above
• All of the above
• Other

There are examples of people in the Bible who were told to 'let it go' and when they didn't, there were consequences. For example:

• Lot's wife was told not to look back, to move forward away from evil Sodom and Gomorrah yet she couldn't resist the temptation and when she looked back, she was turned into a pillar of salt.
• Naomi begged her 2 daughters-in-law to go back to their own home and families and although Ruth chose to stay and say those oft-quoted words, "Where you go, I will go. Your people will be my people. Your God will be my God", Orpah went back. Ruth stayed and received much blessing for her faithfulness.
• In Luke 9:61,62 Jesus told the parable of a man who plowed his field but kept looking back. The lesson was that he needed to look ahead as he plowed or he would not finish the work.

Quite frankly, it can be hard to let go and not have a pity party for oneself, especially when life gets tough. We want people to see our pain and tell us that we are justified for feeling so hurt. The man in black said to Buttercup, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." (The Princess Bride) When someone says to me, "Let it go, it's in the past", it's as though they diminish the pain and heartache I have gone through. It's as though they feel they have a right to say it and quite frankly, they don't. No one can measure your pain, nor do they have a right to say, "Get over it". If it as that simple, there would be no need to say it!

Sometimes a person will say that because they care about you and don't want you to be in pain any more. They don't like to see you suffering and they don't know how to take your pain away from you. They're not quite sure how to show empathy.

Empathy means the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another. It comes from the Greek word, empatheia, affection + path (to suffer). 

There are so many inspirational quotes and Bible verses that encourage people to let it go and ultimately, that is the goal and the way one can move forward. Letting go also allows a person to rebuild trust. Did you ever play that team building game when you close your eyes and fall backwards to demonstrate trust for the person who is standing there to catch you?

I love the picture of a young girl running towards her loving father who, when she gets to him, picks her up and swings her around and she laughs as her heart is filled with joy. But there will come a time when the little girl will not be so little anymore and her father will not be able to physically catch her up in his arms.

Again, in Psalm 37 we are encouraged not to be envious of those who seem to prosper despite their evil ways but to "trust in the Lord and do good". You might not be able to let go of the pain a person has caused you, but you can make a conscious decision to still do good and be kind to others around you. You might not be able to trust the person who has wronged you - I don't think you have to trust that person. Trust has to be earned.

When one of my students comes to me and says that another child hit (or hurt) him and it's not fair, I don't turn around and say, "Oh well. That's life. Get over it and go play with him again." Instead, I listen, ask what happened and ask what could be another way of responding, so that he/she can avoid that situation again. We teach kids to be resilient, to be able to stand up for themselves and to make right choices so that they can grow into adults with good character and integrity.

Life is unfair.

Don't expect the hurt to go away just because you 'will it' or because time or others dictate that you should just let it go. 

Don't indulge yourself in self-criticism because you haven't quite let go or because the hurt sneaked up on you again when you thought you were past it.

Acknowledge that you've been hurt and move forward away from the pain that would hold you back from the good in your life.

And when you feel like you still haven't let go, repeat that last step again... and again... and again. As often as it takes. It won't happen over night but it will happen, one step at a time.

Introducing Boston

This is Boston my horse. He reminds me a lot of students I have taught in the past and sometimes I think of him as having ADHD. He loves getting up close and personal and loves attention. He can't stand still for very long when I am grooming him and trying to untangle his tail. As I am grooming him, he will be watching and his ears will twitch. It's as though he is saying, "What was that?", "Oh look! Something new!" "Did you see that butterfly" "Do you see how handsome I am?"

Once you gain his trust, he will follow you around the paddock, even if he doesn't have a halter and a lead on. He nuzzles me when I take selfies and does not like being excluded when I pay attention to our other horse. One time, he deliberately snapped the clip on his halter by somehow pulling the lead rope when we had him in the smaller yard. I left him out in the other bigger paddock while we walked with Image and gave her attention. Boston kept walking up and down, parallel with us. When we stopped, he stopped. When we moved, he did. Since then, I have bought a stronger halter and lead rope that he doesn't try to snap.

When Boston first arrived here, he had to establish himself in the pack and find out where he belonged in the pecking order. There was already a bigger horse than him and he was the 6th horse to arrive in the paddock. Our other horse didn't care what the others thought of her and went where she pleased, when she pleased. I would watch Boston watching the other horses while they congregated around the hay. He wanted to join them but knew he had to wait his turn. He also knew which horses to avoid and if he got too close, would back out of the way before the other horse gave him a reminder of his place.

When we arrived at their paddocks, we would call their names although, after the first couple times, Boston would look up, see us and come to us with eagerness. Image would see Boston going towards us, and would meander across behind him. Boston knew we were here to play with him and give him attention and he loved it!

After we put them back in the paddock with the others, Boston would come up to the fence and watch us leave. Image would follow along too but not with the same enthusiasm as Boston. Sometimes another person would stop and talk to us and I'd look back at Boston and he'd still be standing there regally watching. If he was grazing, I'd see him look up every now and again as though making sure I was still there.

There are children who are a lot like Boston. They want to fit in with their peers. They see what's going on around them and want to be a part of it. They want and need attention and security. They need to know that they have someone who is looking out for them and who will protect them when trouble is around. They want someone who loves and cares enough for them to spend time with them even when they try to act like they don't care. Some children need more reassurance than others and within loving boundaries, we need to patiently remind them that we want what's best for them.